Journal Entry #2 -Feeling Priceless

1-24-12

Oh wow. Well, Today is another proven fact that God is faithful to us. “He never leaves us without”. I would like to make sure this is known. Even when we are in debt- He never leaves us without. For so long I kept asking God, “Why are you not providing?” “My bank account is in the negative. You are not providing.” I said all of this out of hurt and fear. Yet I heard someone say, “You know, He never leaves us without.” I thought that was a great spin on the “Providing” scriptures and facts. God is providing in the daily- and my life is taken care of in those means. And, my car payment was still made... it just went negative on my bank account. But right now- am I okay? Yes. Do I have what I need? Yes. Do I have MORE than I need? Um, yes I do. I still get to take piano lessons, drive my car (thank God I only have to put gas in it once a week!) , go to work, do crafts, play with kids, read and learn (an overwhelming amount, I might add), have a warm comfy bed, hot and clean showers, my own room. I get to visit with my dad (though I may be tired and out of it), and my mom when she calls just to chat, my cat snuggles up to me (even when it feels annoying…). How reassuring it is to have family who love you.

And God, who has done it all and gave me all of it.

To Him be the praise and the glory and the honor, forever. Amen.

I would also like to say that amongst my busy schedule it is so cool to be able to discern and understand what God is doing and allowing me to learn and go through, like Esther (Beth Moore Bible Study), for example. Though my days, my time, my friendships and my mind for that matter seem to be bursting at the seams, alas there are sweet and valuable lessons to be learned. I will still get up and go running. I still look for small ways to do creative things, to put my best in. Having more in my schedule does not give me any excuse to cut out one thing or another that will ultimately benefit me.

Also, I will be going to YA Bible Study on Tuesday nights now instead of Wednesday, leaving a day open a week to spend with my family… which was one of my concerns with adding the Esther bible study to my plate. Of course, everything Beth Moore talked about was relevant to my life situation. This is God’s faithfulness to me, and to my future. His faithfulness to my abundant life that He died to give me. He did not just die, but gave. He did not just give once, that our dependence on Him might be over and thus are relationship one of little importance. No, He gave ultimately SO THAT He could give continually. He died for many reasons, but so He could continue to give to us; give of His Holy Spirit, give of His provision, His love when I am feeling poor, His comfort when I am lonely, His justice when I am wrongly accused. He died so that He could give us even more. That we may have true “breath” that is life; a never ending well.

Anyway, this season has turned into a huge time of SCRIPTURE, SCRIPTURE, SCRIPTURE. This is great for a number of reasons. Obviously, I believe it is living and active and changes my life for the better. But also, because I was praying for God to give me a vision on my life- what was it he wanted me to do. Then I moved to WA, God gave me a gigantic promise, and I started doing 2 Beth Moore Bible Studies and they involved a LOT of scripture. Then I got a job at a school, with kids. Then I started teaching a preschool Sunday school class, and decorating J Then I started taking a journalism class for the school newspaper and another class on intercultural communication so I can understand why people think they way they do, and how their understandings of the world around them differs. And this was all so that it could be fulfilled. So that what God has spoken over me could be fulfilled. I like to think that I am fulfilling my own scriptures (in a sense)- my own destiny. And written in the book of life it has the details of us all together. And there are many, “And this was done so that the word would be fulfilled…” moments in my life because I am walking according to His will. Or “because it was written,” moments, where I know, deeply know, that what I’m doing in that moment is literally affecting my destiny, and in turn, many others’ as well. Walking in the path of God is great. And even having to be patient has been (while it has had its highs and lows) pretty wonderful altogether. I am so blessed. Praise Him and don’t forget who He is!

Also, I had the thought today: Jesus is the fulfillment of the law. He did not take it away. Us choosing to not live by the law- in complete disregard for it, while there is an abundance of grace, is disrespectful to our Lord- who came to fulfill it. He came to be it. He was the Word and the word was made flesh. And then He saved my soul. He died so that we wouldn’t have to.  Ah, The Gospel; all things in one. It is so simple, yet incredibly complex. And I love it J

Since AZ- January 2013

I am learning how to play the piano, and it is going very well. I am more and more passionate about it everyday, not to say that I play perfectlyJ.  My dad has attended church twice with me, and I am praying that this is God’s work and fulfillment in action- that from now on my dad is a full believer. I have seen huge changes in my dad and it is so encouraging. It is exciting to share in this process and record things that happen or are said, knowing one day we will all be able to see how God was faithful to each of us, even when we did not notice any change at all. One day I was reading C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed (which has become a book I love to read over and over again) and I found this quote that I have treasured, “There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight. When you first notice them they have already been going on for some time.” I think that many changes come this way, and I see this in my dad and family. Though I may not see the depths in which the Lord works, they are there. The Holy Spirit is warming, and lighting, it is bringing us all home though we don’t even realize what process of the transition we are all in.

I started going to school and I am studying intercultural communication and journalism (which is the college’ newspaper). Both are very interesting and take a lot of time outside of class. I know they are both very important in things that the Lord is trying to teach me and will be important for my future. I know that I am called to speak, teach, and write. In what order, or to whom, is for God to decide.

Children have been a huge influence on me lately; working at a school with preschool children all the way to 6^th graders is a ton of fun! I love getting to teach them math while I help them with their homework and listen to the issues that are going on in their life. We laugh and joke, play games and of course, some discipline is involved- though I am always striving to build them up rather than shame them or tear them down. I have had a lot of dreams about babies and children. I am also teaching the preschool class at my church. I feel like it is a great fit and I am very happy. God works in great ways! There is administrative work involved along with playing and my heart feels like my passions are being used for God’s purposes. There is nothing like that feeling.

My days look like this:

5a.m. – Good Morning! Time for a 30min run

5:45a.m. - Time with Jesus! And get ready for the day

730 a.m. - Intercultural Communication class

9 a.m. - Work at Preschool on Monday and Wednesdays/ every other day is used at the SFCC Library

11:30 a.m. - Journalism Class

2:30 p.m. - Work at ECC (afterschool program for kids, located out in the country)

6 p.m. - Head back into Spokane, usually have plans for coffee/dinner/bible study

8 p.m. – Home at last, eat small dinner, do homework, read bible and fall asleep

Some days differ from others and God makes it possible to get piano practice and lessons in, time to go out with friends, even time to interview people and work on my section of The Communicator, the school newspaper. I also get to visit with great friends on the phone and through text or via Facebook. I am thankful that the internet allows me to stay connected and up to date with how my friends and family are doing, no matter what distance separates us.

"Stay focused on the Prize"

I told him, “Stay focused on the prize! Stay focused on the prize.”

                The child was crawling on the floor, picking up beads that had spilled out by carelessness. It was now his duty to pick them up and he would receive a piece of candy. He was encouraged by my voice. My challenging him on to finish his race was a great focus to him. To me, it was strange.

                A question formed inside me. My soul, my spirit, my thoughts all wrapped up and jumbled with “the focus” and “the prize”; though it struck me something odd, I couldn’t see past it so I left it alone.

Flash forward a day or two, the memory far behind me. I’m at dinner with #2. He shall be called #2, because he is not #1. Despite my thoughts or protests with God, he stays at #2. In my opinion, for whatever it may be worth- he seems like the real #1. He seems like the real answer to my hearts desires. He seems like more than I could have asked, and every conversation leaves me in a silent awe, full peace and yet questioning his realness. But in all of his wonder, he is only #2.

                #1 is far away. Not in distance, but in space. He seems far from me, and I just don’t know why or how long it will take. Nothing quite seems to break the barrier, and my heart just doesn’t seem in it for the long run. God begs to differ. God keeps calling me to reverent submission to himself, and to this gentleman, the #1. This gentleman is quiet. He speaks- quite regularly. And I believe he sees. But it feels as though his words float around my surface, but never penetrate. His eyes roll over me, and when he lets them linger- they pervade past my walls, but in my depths he never stays. He doesn’t see my heart.

In the midst of my decisions and my longing desire I whisper my deep prayer, “Lord, I want someone to give myself away to.”

He affirms my desire, “Give yourself to me.”

At last, breathe comes in. When did I let you stop being enough? When did my love for you become distracted with what you said you would do? Not even your promises can be a substitute for Your Being. Your faithfulness continues through all generations, and so do your purposes.

Your purposes, your great care and love, echoing back to me, back to my beating and wondering heart, “Keep your eyes focused on the prize.”

May it be, my Lord that my eyes fall upon you, upon your grace.

Dear child,

He is holding you. Do not fight the hands that he has wrapped around you, they are for safety. They are to preserve a promise given long ago, for a fulfillment of what is good. Wait my dear, wait. Your reservation is coming to its end.

1-26-12

Last week I had a dream on Tuesday night that I had an abortion/miscarriage. When I woke in the morning, I was scared. I was worried that my promise was being taken away from me, that the golden truth that I have set my heart upon would not come through. My troubled heart raced back and forth. Coming to the Lord I asked, “What does this mean? Are you taking away my promise? Is it going away?”

He replied, “Let it go.” I assumed this to be in terms of the promise he had granted me, that it meant things would be low key for a while and I wouldn’t see a whole lot of action going on in that area. I rested that my God is sovereign and became to proclaim this all day. My hope is in you Lord, I kept declaring that He is the God that can do anything.

The problem is that I need to follow the Lord’s promises. The dream meant (I found out by referencing a dream book) that “abortion” was an interpretation of a threat to take away the promise. This is a strange thing that the Lord has promised me. I did ask for it, I just didn’t think I would receive it so soon. Though it isn’t happening that quickly, and it isn’t whom I thought. My selfishness kicks in. Oh, Lord. Please help me realize that you are my Father in Heaven and only You can give good and perfect gifts, that you have planned something so great for me. I just have to wait. Well, why tell me at all? Why this nuisance of a process? All it is doing is annoying me. You want me to fall in love and serve a man I do not know.

 Instead of this nonsense of sorting through my thoughts and emotions, I choose to trust YOU over trusting him, and over myself. Lord, please romance me. Show me who he is in you, show me how you see him, and show me your heart and your purposes within this. I need your grace, my papa. I will come to you, pray to you and give you my heart. Offering supplication: you are all my heart truly has. I will trust the direction that you run in, and I will gladly follow. May my face be towards you instead of my gain or loss.

Exploration of Love

What is love?

What, truly, is love? Do I have it?

If I can serve all I have and not have love, what is love?

I used to think it was serving; all that I had given in sweat and tears.

If I can give all I have, and be poor, but have not love, I am nothing.

I thought it was to lend freely, and to all of those in need, but if I have not love- it is nothing.

Speak out of love,

Dance out of love,

Worship out of love.

Write in love.

Carry yourself in love.

Walk in love.

Serve in love.

Sing in love.

Laugh in love.

Dream in love.

Breathe in love.

Give in love.

Act in love.

Forgive in love.

Reserve your heart out of love.

Give your heart out of love.

Think out of love.

Create out of love.

Plan out of love.

Rest in love.

Pursue out of love.

Endure out of love.

Live your life, all out of love.

The purpose is that all transgression shall be covered.

But let it be an outpouring of your heart; lest you boast about your love, about your own strength- for that is not love at all.

The Greatest Gift to Desire: Love.

It seems that love should be laid out. Let’s see, for thousands of years people have pursued and claimed it to be the only way, but who of them have succeeded? I struggle, so deeply. Give me a list so I know exactly how I am supposed to act; as if love was just an action. It would be relief if I knew how to always feel love, if love was just a feeling. Love is not just an action; love is not just a feeling. Love is actually a strange word; it is action and patience, it is just enough and never too much; Love is an extreme burst, yet always in consistency.  I thought that perhaps love was what I thought of Jesus; sacrifice. I traveled down the path of serving because surely, that was love. I gave up many of my passions, to pursue what I thought to be the “holy” life; I thought this was out of love.

1 Corinthians 12:31, as the Apostle Paul is talking about the gifts to desire, and how the body of Christ comes together because of their different parts. Then he exclaims, as if to emphasize and diminish his previous chapter, “Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. And yet I will show you the most excellent way.” Interestingly enough, he continues on to talk about what LOVE truly is- not prophesy, giving, teaching. This halts my heart and creates a stumbling block for my mind. The greatest gift to be desired is love.

Love is a gift that we all have, because it was placed deep in our beings; we were created in love, we are encouraged by love and gently disciplined and shaped in love. Our lives are based in the love of God and Christ, regardless of our acknowledgement of Him who knows our hearts. Love is so strong, and lacks all pride. Therefore you need not acknowledge it for it to truly be; our world was created and based completely in love, it is what holds us together today.

So if we have nothing without love, and if love is the business of the Lord, then how can we grasp onto it- to do all that we are in love? And how important must it be, if it is what created you and me?

As we do all in love, remember Proverbs 10:12 “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all transgressions.” Is this not the heart of the Lord? Again, Peter tells us in 1Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” This is the very act that Christ did for us. But truly, Love is not a destination; I believe love is the greatest mystery of God. I believe that if God is love, and God is more miraculous than we can understand; then it must be true that love is greater than we know or could understand.