"Stay focused on the Prize"

I told him, “Stay focused on the prize! Stay focused on the prize.”

                The child was crawling on the floor, picking up beads that had spilled out by carelessness. It was now his duty to pick them up and he would receive a piece of candy. He was encouraged by my voice. My challenging him on to finish his race was a great focus to him. To me, it was strange.

                A question formed inside me. My soul, my spirit, my thoughts all wrapped up and jumbled with “the focus” and “the prize”; though it struck me something odd, I couldn’t see past it so I left it alone.

Flash forward a day or two, the memory far behind me. I’m at dinner with #2. He shall be called #2, because he is not #1. Despite my thoughts or protests with God, he stays at #2. In my opinion, for whatever it may be worth- he seems like the real #1. He seems like the real answer to my hearts desires. He seems like more than I could have asked, and every conversation leaves me in a silent awe, full peace and yet questioning his realness. But in all of his wonder, he is only #2.

                #1 is far away. Not in distance, but in space. He seems far from me, and I just don’t know why or how long it will take. Nothing quite seems to break the barrier, and my heart just doesn’t seem in it for the long run. God begs to differ. God keeps calling me to reverent submission to himself, and to this gentleman, the #1. This gentleman is quiet. He speaks- quite regularly. And I believe he sees. But it feels as though his words float around my surface, but never penetrate. His eyes roll over me, and when he lets them linger- they pervade past my walls, but in my depths he never stays. He doesn’t see my heart.

In the midst of my decisions and my longing desire I whisper my deep prayer, “Lord, I want someone to give myself away to.”

He affirms my desire, “Give yourself to me.”

At last, breathe comes in. When did I let you stop being enough? When did my love for you become distracted with what you said you would do? Not even your promises can be a substitute for Your Being. Your faithfulness continues through all generations, and so do your purposes.

Your purposes, your great care and love, echoing back to me, back to my beating and wondering heart, “Keep your eyes focused on the prize.”

May it be, my Lord that my eyes fall upon you, upon your grace.

Dear child,

He is holding you. Do not fight the hands that he has wrapped around you, they are for safety. They are to preserve a promise given long ago, for a fulfillment of what is good. Wait my dear, wait. Your reservation is coming to its end.

1-26-12

Last week I had a dream on Tuesday night that I had an abortion/miscarriage. When I woke in the morning, I was scared. I was worried that my promise was being taken away from me, that the golden truth that I have set my heart upon would not come through. My troubled heart raced back and forth. Coming to the Lord I asked, “What does this mean? Are you taking away my promise? Is it going away?”

He replied, “Let it go.” I assumed this to be in terms of the promise he had granted me, that it meant things would be low key for a while and I wouldn’t see a whole lot of action going on in that area. I rested that my God is sovereign and became to proclaim this all day. My hope is in you Lord, I kept declaring that He is the God that can do anything.

The problem is that I need to follow the Lord’s promises. The dream meant (I found out by referencing a dream book) that “abortion” was an interpretation of a threat to take away the promise. This is a strange thing that the Lord has promised me. I did ask for it, I just didn’t think I would receive it so soon. Though it isn’t happening that quickly, and it isn’t whom I thought. My selfishness kicks in. Oh, Lord. Please help me realize that you are my Father in Heaven and only You can give good and perfect gifts, that you have planned something so great for me. I just have to wait. Well, why tell me at all? Why this nuisance of a process? All it is doing is annoying me. You want me to fall in love and serve a man I do not know.

 Instead of this nonsense of sorting through my thoughts and emotions, I choose to trust YOU over trusting him, and over myself. Lord, please romance me. Show me who he is in you, show me how you see him, and show me your heart and your purposes within this. I need your grace, my papa. I will come to you, pray to you and give you my heart. Offering supplication: you are all my heart truly has. I will trust the direction that you run in, and I will gladly follow. May my face be towards you instead of my gain or loss.